Without the love of my family...

I was in a bad mood when going to the book release because getting to the Pride Park in Stockholm was such a hassle! But when I finally got there, it all changed.

I met with Daniel Sjö, the illustrator of the book, Malin Nilsson, my co-author and partner in crime and Tin Eriksson, the publisher in Vombat Förlag, a publishing firm for kids.

Our book, "I’m Mickan" in English, was there on the table in a yellow wood cottage that the release was held in. Although it was raining, there was a lot of parents with their children. I was so happy hanging with these crazy kids, because we don't have any children in our family, the youngest one is my sister and she is 20! Kids are important individuals to hang out with! They are so present and they keep it real!

I have worked with children and youth in so many different context. In several kindergartens when I was a teenager, as an English teacher when I was studying in Madrid, and I have volunteered in a youth center for LGBTQI teenagers here in Stockholm this summer.  

My brother is such a sweetheart! He as holding my purse whilst I was bussy socialising with the kids and taking pictures. Writing this makes me realise that I have been taking my family for granted so much. When my phone got water damage, my mother sent me one new phone to comfort me. I felt so spoiled when I discovered that my mother sent me 50 euros in the phone so I could by a phone case. Whatever dream or aspiration I have my mom suports me. Whenever I feel that I want to give upp everything my moms words always keeps me going.

So to my family, Jose, Anna, Ricardo and my mother Silvia. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and I apologise for taking you for granted. I promise that I will try harder not to. 

Today I realised how much I LOVE YOU!

Vanessa

 

Our Children´s book has arrived- Monday at Nyhetsmorgon

Only the principal and the teachers know that 10 year old Mickan is a male to female transgender at her new school. Her classmates don’t know. But a secret always leaks out sooner or later. Mickan is a transgender girl whom isn´t interested in sex change surgery. Instead, she only wants to live socially as a girl. This book is about courage, friendship and standing up for oneself.

Today, I finally received the printed edition of Mickan! I´m so excited! On Monday, I´m going to be a guest the morning show "Nyhetsmorgon" in Sweden to talk about our new book.

There’s so much going on with my books! Yesterday, I received the English version of my biography from a translator in England, which means I have a lot of work to do with my manuscript! Now that it’s been translated, it needs to go through a series of processes before we’ll have the final published book.

Looking forward! 

Monday at Nyhetsmorgon!

Love, Vanessa  

Sissy that walk

Summer in Sweden is short but very intensive. We have aproximately two weeks of real tropical heat every year and this time people enjoy every little drop of sunshine like it was the last. This weekend have been so intensive, so much socialasing and parties that now I'm feeling so drained of energy but at the same time, I´m so satisfied. And this is just the beginning because those two weeks of tropical weather where you can go out without anything more than your handbag and high heals, is spread out through July and August.  And we have had 2 of those days this summer. Can´t wait!

Big kiss to you

Vanessa 

Sometimes you just need to let it go...

If I was living in a warm country, I would not be able to be as productive as I´m living here in Scandinavia. Because as soon as the sun comes out here, my whole world transforms to this paradise of happy people that want nothing more than to tan untill their melanin production explodes. Not me though, I sit in the shadow after half hour under the sun. Im to vain. Sun=pre aging.  

I met up with a couple of friends and we enjoyed Stockholms beautiful day with long walks, photo sessions, vegan sandwich, ice cream and all of the fabulousness that I get from my friends. Love you!

Have a beautiful day!

Vanessa

Lecture & book signing in Malmö Pride! Don´t miss out!

In July, I´m going to be a guest in one of Swedens biggest morning talk shows, to talk about my biography and my new children´s book "Det är jag som är Mickan", that I wrote with author Malin Nilsson and Vombat publishing firm. And also my agent gave me thumbs up for the speech and book signing in my old hometown: Malmö, during their Pride week. It has been one of my bigest wishes to go back to my old hometown to sing books and do my speech! This year Malmö Pride is going to collaborate with Copenhaugen Pride so it is going to be BIG!

Yesterday I had a wonderful 2 hour hiking in the forest with my dear friend Christoffer and took some nice pictures for you guys! The only bad thing is that we were attacked by mosquitos and now my whole body is itching! My face has like five bites! Looks like pimples. Nooooooo!

See you soon!

More information with dates coming soon!

Love, Vanessa

Queer photo exhibition and new cover picture for the English edition

Fashion photographer Jade Hannah has done  photography for many magazines, Including Elle Sweden. Yesterday we made the shoot for the cover for the English edition of my book. I loved the message and the idea she had thought of for my cover.

It felt so nice to arrive and being able to just surrender to Jade Hannah´s hands. Her vision blew me off my feet. But while I was standing there in this strange position, I felt like an amateour and that I was doing everything wrong. Every outfit change happened so quickly! She klicked and told me to do strange poses and it was over, faster than usual. When I saw the pictures, I saw how amazing they were. I was so happy! 

Skärmavbild 2015-06-13 kl. 00.50.56.png

Her stage setup can only be explained with her Instagram picture. The rest I can’t tell you about, but I hope you can imagine what the cords represent in society.

So after the shoot for my cover, I had on a ton of makeup and my hair pulled back with tons of hairspray on it. We went to a queer photo exhibition by Freja Lindberg. I loved a picture by Freja of a boy with his eyes closed while stood somewhere out in a wheat field on the countryside. The picture was in black and white and the boy had sparkling glitter on his lips and also on his closed eyes. I can't wait to get the picture home to show you guys and hang it up the wall! I guarantee you´ll like it!

Freja Lundberg

Freja Lundberg

I love sunny days and to take part of creative peoples’ lives! Now it is 01:08 in the morning and I have to be up at 07:00 tomorrow morning on Saturday because I´m going to take the flight to Lueå Pride where I’ll have a book signing and a lecture.

 

Good night and good morning to you! 

 

Love, Vanessa

Caitlyn Jenner is a very dangerous person – Transgender visibility

“Why is there a media circus about a group that represents such a tiny part of society?” “Aren't there more important subjects to talk about than Caitlyn Jenner’s sex change?” These are questions I’m seeing again and again.

Transgender people are an important group. We open up the opportunity to question and debate something that is so fundamental in everybody's life: traditional gender roles. In many places in the world, gender norms favour men. Everyone knows that, but since we were programmed to think that way, we don't question the status quo.

Transgender people are a living, breathing statement against gender norms. We not only break them and put them into perspective, we are a true danger to the establishment as well. That is why Caitlyn is dangerous — her celebrity status and being a highly regarded sports icon, as well as part of the Kardashian Empire, gives her a massive platform that challenges the status quo. That is why we need her. Because as long as norms don't evolve, we are never going to be free. None of us, neither men, women, nor trans.

Caitlyn Jenner is what very few people in the transgender society are: a privileged person. She is an insider at the top of the food chain and in an incredibly powerful position. You know what they say: if you want to make a change, it has to come from within. From her privileged position she can make such a change. She has the power to do so, and she does it by exposing her life to the world.

My question then is, is it really that big of a privilege to be a man? I don’t think so. The backside of being a man is seldom talked about and it is the root of everything. Our gender norms are old fashioned and outdated. They repress both men and women, even in one of the most equal countries in the world: Sweden.

The hardest thing I found about being a boy was that I wasn't allowed to have any kind of emotional expression because it symbolized weakness, something that only women were expected to do. But is it really a weakness to be knowledgeable about your own feelings? How are you going to develop empathy and compassion if you are expected to never cry and always be macho and tough? How does it affect a person to be conditioned to not have any emotions? How does it affect a human being to not be a human? If we look at statistics we can see that men represent the majority of violence crime. Is there a correlation here? Why do men die before women? Do boys really not cry? Why are men ripped from the most valuable human experience?

How do we solve this? How can men start to be more human? Maybe we should have an international day of social gender exchange?

A very important spiritual practice that originated in many different native tribes in America that still performed today is that men and women exchanged clothes with each other. That way, men and women can share the experience of being in each other’s position. It’s a very valuable spiritual practice that we should implement into our society today. Men need to know what it feels like to be treated like a girl. They would not only get a female perspective, they will also understand better what norms apply to be in the masculine shield. They would experience how vulnerable you can feel like being a girl, and they would also understand what norms and pressures that they too are under, being men.

Men can start expressing their feelings and have more empathy toward women. And then maybe men can start appreciating and taking transgender people more seriously. So the bottom line for men is: if you want to grow both spiritually and emotionally, challenge your "manhood" and go into a feminine shield if you dare to. Then you will not only know what it feels like for a girl, but you will know what it feels like to be a transgender person, some of the strongest people in the world!

Thank you, Caitlyn Jenner, for exposing your heart to us and showing us all the true colours of the world.

We are unstoppable!

Love, Vanessa

Photo: www.hant.se

Privileged trans – I beg trans people to be open, to speak up

It is very rare to meet a trans man like Buck Angel who rejected bottom surgery and is proud of having a vagina. After his documentary, I asked him if he would do bottom surgery if there was a way of getting a fully functional penis. He said that he likes his vagina in front of the whole audience and that he wouldn't. 

 Something happened inside me when he said that he likes his body as it is and continued answering questions from the audience. He was so open about his latest heartbreak that my eyes started to tear up. My throat was hurting, partially because it was so freaking cold outside where we were seated here in Sweden. My sister sat behind me and I wore a hood that allowed my tears to pass by unnoticed. My sister put her head against my shoulder and started to caress me. I realized that she didn't know I was crying, but I sensed that she too was touched by the vulnerability that this man shared. It really touched my heart and inspired the whole community. 

I transitioned at 17 years old and had surgery at 20. I lived my life in stealth after my surgery, meaning almost nobody knew I was transgender. Therefore, I understand trans people that aren’t eager to be open about their transgender past. It can cause conflict in your romantic relationship, your job and basically every aspect of your life. But at some point, I realized that I never was going to have a normal life and that I was wasting energy avoiding the inevitable.  

 My past always seemed to catch up with me somehow, no matter how much I passed as a woman. I couldn't live my life hiding, always avoiding subjects and situations. After the last time my heart was broken by rejection, because of me being a trans woman, I decided that I wanted the whole world to know. 

 It all comes down to self-acceptance and loving oneself. But how can someone love themselves if you live in a system that constantly beats you down? How could they be proud when you feel such shame and hatred towards yourself and your body? How could they expose themselves to that hate and negativity, by their own free will? Of course they would want to hide their past! It never served them any good!

 At Söderhamn Pride, I met lots of people with courage. Many refugees came from places in the world where they had no legal rights, risked imprisonment, torture and sexual abuse, just for being who they are. Many didn't have that choice that many have to be in the closet. Many are fighting because they have to. So, if you are in the closet and living your own life in loneliness and peace from harassment, violence and prejudice in a country where you have legal rights like in Sweden, you have an incredible opportunity to unburden people from a fight that favours us all. Please, don't be a passive bystander when you can be an ally to the same people that are fighting for your rights. Please step out of the closet and be visible. The total sum of energy it takes to hide is the same as the energy it takes to be open and visible and doing something about our situation. 

 Thank you, Buck, for encouraging us to like our bodies as they are, for giving us the strength to fight for human rights and for reminding us about what it is to be authentic to oneself and the world.

 Love, Vanessa

Open letter to accusations of cultural appropriation – the lost native kids of our generation

I come from the Colipi family. My second surname after López is Colipi. Colipi means “red feather,” and my siblings all have a red feather tattooed on their body, except for me. We are proud of our native blood and in Chile, many of our family members are active in the Mapuche communities, speaking Mapugundu (our native language) and participating in different Mapuche traditions.

There are many opinions amongst historians, professors, anthropologists and “experts” as to what cultural appropriation really is, even amongst the native people. There are conservatives that want to preserve the culture as it always has been while there are liberals in our community that are for progress, since progress is inevitable.  Even in times before the colonization, natives had a thriving and progressing culture. Natives were inspired by other native tribes in terms of culture and garment attributes as well. It is part of the human culture to be inspired and to appropriate culture. All of our culture in the world is a result of cultural appropriation!

Now people are saying that I´m appropriating other native tribes’ sacred headdress and that I haven't earned my headdress. But have I really not earned my headdress? Who has the right to say what I do and don't deserve, without knowing my past?

First of all, the headdress that I wear in my book cover is altered and not an exact replica of any specific headdress from any tribe. It is inspired by the Navajo and Apache cultures, but it is neither a Navajo nor Apache headdress. So they shouldn’t confuse my headdress for one of their own.

Therefore, I wonder, does wearing my own kind of headdress diminish the respect that natives in their own groups have towards their elders that have earned their headdresses, according to their traditional culture? Does wearing my own kind of headdress make their headdress any less sacred?

There are so many opinions about who is allowed to wear what, or about who owns culture. But how can someone own something that is constantly changing?

And what about us, the mixed blooded kids without any cultural heritage? We, who don't have anything left from our native culture? Like other kids living in Scandinavia, aren't we allowed to construct our own new culture from scratch? Why am I not allowed to be part of both worlds and create my own new culture, like every new generation? Are we, the mixed blooded kids, not valid in the equation of who has rights to appropriate culture?

What if the natives never were colonized and the cultures survived until the day of today untouched? Wouldn't there have been any progress and change of native culture up to today? Of course there would have been much progress and change!

They would have stumbled upon the internet sooner or later. Even the natives would become part of the global native unity, and there would have been a progress and mix of all the native cultures sooner or later. So, it’s only a matter of time anyway, isn't it?

The two-spirit term was coined in the 90´s to include all of native blood who identify as LGBTQI, according to the respect natives always had towards LGBTQI people. So it means that all of us with native blood have the right to identify as two-spirit if we want to. The term two-spirits is a modern term to unite us, a new construction of culture made in consensus by native mix blood and native full blood. We create culture together.

And as the matter of fact, we two-spirits are internationally united trough a Facebook group today. There is a big group on Facebook that is so incredibly compassionate and understanding towards each other because that is what the native spirit is all about – uniting, not pointing fingers and creating separation. Before you accuse me of cultural appropriation, do some research and see where you are appropriating culture yourself. Are you wearing a Geisha garb, dreadlocks, tattoos, piercings, bleaching your hair, using weave on, doing yoga?

My intention was never to harm, ridicule or devalue other native brothers and sisters. If I have, accept my sincerest apologies. Creating my own kind of headdress, inspired by other native tribes, makes me feel like I have an identity and that I´m finally part of a culture that accepts and honors me. And for the native community as a whole, it is creating more awareness to our respect that we always had towards LGBTQI people. Meaning that we can inspire the world with a new holistic perspective and, therefore, create more understanding towards both natives and the LGBTQI community.

Every feather on my headdress symbolizes for me every fight and struggle that I have gone through in my life as a two-spirit person. My siblings and my mother have together crowned me with my headdress. So have I earned my headdress, haven't I? 

Bold and beautiful – Jessica Gedin

On Wednesday, I was at the season final recording of Babel, the Swedish literature show every writer wants to be a guest in. But don't get too excited, I was sitting in the audience this time! I was so nervous that I couldn't even concentrate on the invited authors stories. The only thing I remember was that the Indian author, Vivek Narayanan, had a 4-year-old daughter who was sitting in the audience. She fell asleep and was snoring during the recording. Håkan Nesser, the Swedish writer, said that if he could choose to be a hero he would be a female hero, something that I thought was really cool, because cis men in power can do such a great impact by saying things like that. They challenge other men to dare to do the same.

So I laughed when everybody else laughed and I clapped when everybody else clapped and I observed how kind Jessica, the TV show host, was.

I really doubted myself. Was I going to get the opportunity to speak to her and maybe tell her about my book? I knew that the staff of Babel were literary drowning in books sent in from authors hoping to be noticed. But why not go straight to her instead?

So I did. After the recording was over, I went straight to her and asked if I could take some pictures with her and ask some questions. She was so kind and friendly. She asked me to sit down on the sofa where the actual show takes place. She started to take off the microphone from behind her back and I asked her why she didn't have her beautiful hair out (she has distinct red hair most of the time). She happily explained that it was for practical reasons and that she just didn't have time to fix it. Then I asked her if she knew about the two-spirit people. She said she didn’t, so I told her. But she did know that Native Americans respected LGBTQ people, but not that they are called Two-spirits.

I told her about my book and then my two minutes with her were over. The manager called her to take care of the guest authors so she had to run away. She asked if I had my book with me and I gave it to her. She said she would read it.

I was so nervous speaking to this girl, but afterwards I was so happy that I was bold enough to approach her and introduce myself to her.

They probably won’t invite me to the show since my book was published last year, but I got to do something I was scared of and now she will know about me, Two-spirits and my story. Maybe they will be interested in inviting Malin Nilsson and me to speak about our children's book that is ready for the summer! Fingers crossed!

Big kiss to you all!

Be bald and be beautiful, you can only win!

 



New record

The city of Karlskrona had their first-ever Pride celebration last year with approximately 5,000 people. I love to see the domino effect that seems to be going on in Swedish cities.

I walked my first pride ever last year and it was an unexpected experience! Why hadn't I done it before? Because I simply wasn't ready. I had a mindset that wanted to separate me from the LGBT group.

But last year I started to focus on the similarities I have with the rest of the LGBT group instead of the details that separate me from them. I discovered the powerful sense of belonging to the majority for the first time ever in that Pride parade. Since our truck didn't fit the parade, we had to do it walking. And so we did, catwalked all the way with high heels.

Now I understand why it is called Pride. I felt so proud of myself at that moment! I have never experienced this feeling of being truly proud of who I am.

I fell into it and was just totally lost in the moment with the beating music, the feeling of belonging, all mixed with this collective feeling of pride with thousands of spectacular unique human beings.

I never felt so free like when I walked in that parade! This year you can expect me in the parade! I´m going to try to make it to as many parades as possible!

I feel so lucky to be going to Karlskrona for a discourse. I´m signed up to speak about gender identity and I will be autographing books on the 29th of May. This is going to be my second stop on my pride-tour for the summer! See you there!

Love, Vanessa

Expanding horizons – Book signing tour starts tomorrow

This week I have met wonderful people and tomorrow I´m traveling to the first city in my Pride lecturing and book signing tour, Eskilstuna. I´m also happy to reveal that I was invited by Camilla Gisslow to join a podcast together with Saga Becker and Buck Angel about transgender questions next week.

I´m so excited and happy! And also, more and more people are following me from al around the world since I started blogging in English language. The united states, Germany the Uk and so on. (I have analytics tools on my webpage.)

Thank you God, the Universe or whatever force that gives me so many opportunities to get to know so many intelligent people. 

I have so much to learn!

Love, Vanessa

5000 people embraced diversity in Karlskrona

The city of Karlskrona had their first Pride celebration ever last year with approximately 5000 people. I love to see the domino effect that seems to be going on in Swedish cities. 

Actually I walked my first pride ever last year and it was an unexpected experience! Why hadn't I done it before? I simply because I wasn't ready before. I actually had a mindset that wanted to separate me from the LGBT group. 

But last year I started to focus on the similarities I have with the rest of the LGBT group instead of the details that separates me from them. I discovered the powerful sense of belonging to the big majority, for the first time ever in my life, in that Pride parade. And since our truck didn't fit the parade, we had to do the Pride walking. And so we did, catwalked al the way with high heals. 

Now I understand why it is called Pride. I really felt so proud of my self that moment! I hav never experienced this feeling of being truly proud of who I´m. 

This is me 2014 cat walking th pride parade like never before!

This is me 2014 cat walking th pride parade like never before!

I just got into trans and was just totally presence in the moment, the beating music, the feeling of belonging mixed with this collective feeling of pride that thousands of spectacular unique human beings.

I had never felt so free like when I walked in that parade! This year you can expect me in the parade! I´m going to try to make it to as many parades as possible!

I feel so lucky to be going to Karlskrona for a discourse. I´m booked to my speak about gender identity and I will be signing books as well the 29 of may. This is going to be my second stop stop on my pride-tour for this summer! See you there!

Big kiss and love

Vanessa

Possibilities are infinite

Kim Nygren & me

Kim Nygren & me

I´m constantly meeting new transgender people, and I have noticed that the variety of gender definitions is infinite! It´s so unique and teaching to meet other transgenders, especially when they are more experienced than me, meaning that they have come a longer way than myself in redefining gender and sexuality.

And I thought I had cracked the gender code! There is always people more enlightened than you in every subject! It was certainly a very learning experience about gender identity!

Kim, for example, went through what I'm going through, a long time ago; he had some kind of epiphany. Kim is a trans man (meaning he was born with a female body). He tells me that it was so important for him at the beginning of his transition to be seen as a stereotypical male. But now, in the later years, he wears pink nail polish and a baby pink bag to de-dramatize his stereotypical white male heteronormative appearance. Many transsexuals do unfortunately fit into the stereotypes of a heteronormative person when we transition to a male or a woman.

The transgender minority is the one that experiences the most diversity and where the definitions vary from nongender binary to girly or manly transgender. The list goes on as the fantasy goes, and every definition is individual and absolutely valid.

Have a great Sunday babies!

Lots of Love

Vanessa

Business

upload.jpeg

Yesterday I had a day full of meetings. Got som amazing feedback from my webbdesigner. I'm also getting a lot of bookings for pride with my lecture: "There is nothing wrong with my body". Happy to se so much intresst in transgender subjucts this year. This is a blog post made from my mobile. Now im going to work on my webbpage. Later dinner with friends. Big kiss 💜

Real Ladies Fart Out Loud?– re-defining gender

Talk like a lady! Sit like a lady! Eat like a lady! Walk like a lady! Those were phrases I grew up with when I started transitioning to a girl at the age of 16. Being a girl also meant lots of expectations and rules that I suddenly had to follow. I went from being repressed and conditioned as a boy, to being repressed and conditioned as a girl.

But why didn't I have the same critical thinking in terms of gender identity and gender constructions that I have today? Why didn't I just give expectations and norms the finger and continued exploring gender in my own pace? Why didn't anybody teach me what I know today, then?

In Sweden 15 years ago, there weren’t any transgender role models. I found some Brazilian famous transsexuals through the internet, but I consider them women because they were post-op and therefore they were not making me redefine gender. We post-op transsexuals (the transgender people that undergo a sex change operation) are mostly self-defined as binary and therefore very heteronormative and stereotypical.

Today, I considered that I never had any real transgender role model in my life when I grew up... a true role model that made me question the norms instead of making me follow them.

So no, there didn't exist any queer, gender variant role model in media that I could identify with. Someone that taught me that my combination of masculine and feminine was beautiful and not something I had to fix. Someone that taught me not to suppress either of them. Because I do feel like I do have little masculinity inside of me that I have repressed to fit into the heteronomy of a woman.

But even today I´m conditioned by the heteronomy. Just look at me, I´m a girly girl. But what makes me happy is that the new generation of trans kids now have more alternatives of gender to identify with than I did. Meaning you will see a diversity of new personal self-definitions of gender.

Welcome to the new era of gender identity!

Have a great Friday my beautiful readers!

And speaking of role models, did you know that Saga Becker has her own blog? Click here to read (the blog is in Swedish).

Two-spirit Jewelled By UNIQD

My 3-d printed, Two- Spirit jewellery arrived in time just as promised by UNIQD. The jewellery seems bigger and thicker on the screen when designing it on their webpage, than it is in reality. The feathers around the two-spirit logo gives the logo the kind of ethnic look over it, witch I love. Packed and well protected in this white box that enhances the whole design your own jewellery online with 3-D printing experience. Really inspires me with tons of ideas!

It´s this easy to create a personal piece of jewellery with whatever statement or message you can imagine! 

The jewellery is gold plated brass!

Have a great rest of your day folks!

Big kiss

Vanessa

The notion of homophobia–introduced

I have searched for evidence or any record of third gender/two-spirit people of my Mapuche tribes. I have contacted anthropologists around the world and searched for essays in anthropologic search engines. I found out that hundreds of tribes in North America, Central America, Peru, and even in Europe, native people had two-spirits/third gender/different gender constructions. But in Chile, I found nothing. I almost gave up. Could it mean that Mapuches didn´t recognize third gender/two spirits? Native Americans are considered a homogenous group, but they are a culturally diverse group and their notion of identity is based mainly in their own community context.

Historic photo of Navajo couple from the collection of the Museum of New Mexico, 1866.” 

Historic photo of Navajo couple from the collection of the Museum of New Mexico, 1866.” 

 

I felt frustrated during my search until finally, I found a book that gave me many answers about Chilean Mapuche sex and gender social constructions. Mapuche shamans had shifting gender identity in ceremonial rituals, according to  Shamans Of The Foye Tree. But outside the rituals, they were expected to be masculine if born male. And they are still hunted by the homosexual stigma.

A clear sign of how deep influence the missionaries have made on Mapuches bodies and souls till this very day. The first group of people killed by the missionaries was two-spirit and queer people since they were categorized as sodomists.   

The anthropologists and writer, Anna Bacigalupo, also had a conflict with one Mapuche female shaman, who was saying that she was portraying the Chilean shamans as homosexuals. Anna was just saying that both the Mapuche and the Chileans needed to recognize the shamans’ special gender identities, like the deity Ngünechen considered: masculine, feminine, old and new. 

In the book, it briefly mentioned a male born Mapuche shaman that adopted the role of a woman full time. She was called Marta and was called "faggot" and "witch," even by her own fellow shamans and the female that accused the writer Anna Bacigalupo for portraying them as homosexuals.

So does this mean that Chilean Mapuche ancient sex and gender social constructions are lost forever? Maybe. But to find out we might have to dig under tons of homophobia imposed on the Mapuche people and maintained by themselves.

In a book about Chilean sexuality during the colonization by Pecar Como Dios Manda , I found that the Mapuche natives in pre-colonial times saw feminine boys as a sign of them having shamanic powers.

One day, maybe someone will dig deeper in the Mapuche social constructions of gender and sex. Maybe it will be me and an anthropologist, who knows?

Have a great day.

Love, Vanessa

A case where transgender parents have children

If you want to experience unconditional love don´t ever settle for anybody that doesn't accept you for who you are. That was my filosophy when it came to love. But was I only doing the talk and not walking the walk?  

Before, I could not see myself being in a sexual relationship with a man with no "real penis". I wanted a masculine heterosexual man with a real penis. And at the same time I was expecting to find somebody that loved me unconditionally for who I am: a transsexual woman without a "real vagina."

Well, I have a functional neo-vagina, trans guys don´t have a functional penis. That was my unconscious way of justifying that loving unconditionally didn´t apply to me. I unconsciously felt that I fitted into the heteronorm better than trans guys, because of my sexually functional vagina.  

But was I just being shallow thinking that only a man with a penis was good enough for me? Or was I being purely transphobic and heteronormativite in my thinking? Was I not thinking outside of the box? No I was not! I was expecting unconditional love but I was not ready to practice it myself on a transsexual guy. Where was my empathic heart? I mean, if somebody could put themselves in a transgender person situation it should have been me, no? Was I being a hypocrite?

It kind of hit me how much I was trying to live up to the heteronormativity, when what I really should have been doing was questioning it. True love is unconditional and I realised that I was in a position where I was expecting unconditional love instead of giving unconditional love.

This couple really inspires me! Two trans parents have biological children with each other. She decides in last minute that she is going to keep her penis and become a parent! She found true unconditional love that probably was what she needed to make the decision of not doing the sex change surgery. 

So my question is: if more transsexuals felt unconditionally loved in their natural born body, would less transsexuals undergo the sex change operation? Just a thought.

Have a great Saturday! please like if you like :)

Big kiss Vanessa

Nocturnal gay love by Vanessa – without my gay friends I wouldn't have survived Stockholm

After a gay club, I ended up in a gay afterparty where there was only one girl besides me. Paradise! There is no other place in the world for a transsexual girl to get so much unconditional love and affection from men at the same time, in such large quantities, too! Can you imagine this harem of beautiful, intellectual, influential, fabulous, friendly men that embody the masculine and feminine in so many different ways? There are few groups of men that I share so many similarities with. Talk about feeling free and loved in that space! That’s why I always say that I wouldn’t have survived Stockholm without my gay friends.

Moments like this are when I like to play with my thoughts and question how my life would have been like if I had been living as the Vanessa you know today, but with my penis and no breasts. Then, at that afterparty my possibilities of identity would have been so many! But I´m going to share two that I thought of while sitting there amongst these beautiful gay men. I would have been able to shift between defining myself as a bisexual girl trapped in a man body and ok with my manly body, or an extremely feminine bisexual boy living as a girl.

I figured that there would have been so many definitions to choose and that I loved the thought of being able to transform and play around in the spectrum of sexuality, gender expression and gender identity. Why? Because all of those did change throughout my life and now I know that they are all more or less fluid.

When I was living as a gay boy I was only attracted to masculine men, be it homosexual or heterosexual men. But today after going through this identity shift, I´m attracted to feminine men as well as masculine men. I realized it was my own homophobia that limited myself to only desire masculine men, since we live in a time where the feminine frowned upon, even in the gay world.

But there’s another important form that I didn´t mention: masculine girls. Some girls have an extremely attractive masculine air that I dismissed before, but I embrace it today. I actually experimented with a feminine bisexual girl a couple of years ago and I really enjoyed it. Now the only forms I have left to experiment with are with a masculine girl or a female to male transsexual.

But where does the border lie between an extremely feminine bisexual man passing and living as a woman versus a bisexual male to female transsexual living as a woman and doesn´t want surgery?

Some would say that it is individual; others would say that a "true" transsexual wants surgery because she hates her penis. I know that in my case it’s only a matter of definition. Because it was when I stopped focusing on differences and started to look at the similarities that I realized the most important fact of them all – everything falls in a spectrum and that identity is more and less fluid. So why limit oneself?

Big kiss and thank you to all my gay friends!

Vanessa