I´m currently reading a self-help book about Love that has given me more self-knowledge than any other book I have read this far. If you want to find love and/or want to improve your relationship, this book will help you map out the type that you are. According to the theory of attachment, evolution made people with different disposition to become one or a combination of the types. More than 50 % of the population falls into the category of secure. 20 % is anxious, 25 % is avoidant. And the rest is a combination. The book also teaches you how to identify the different types of attachment styles so you can avoid getting involved with the type you are not biologically and emotionally compatible too. Who doesn't want that?
Anxious - love to be close, great capacity for intimacy. Often fear that your partner does not wish to be close. Very sensitive to partners moods or actions. Needs a lot of reassurances.
Secure - Balanced, warm and loving, not afraid to show feelings or get intimate, or take physical contact. Efficiently communicate feelings and emotions. Attentive to partner.
Avoidant- Independence & self-sufficiency is prioritised over intimate relationships. Emotionally distant, does not open up too partner. Often considered non-empathic by partners.
I later found out that this attachment systems first was made to identify infant attachment types:
Anxious - When parents leave the room, baby cries until mother/parents come back.
Secure - Keeps on playing in the room even though he/she knows that parents are not there and smiles when parents come back and engages lovingly.
Avoidant- Notices when parents leave the room but keeps silence and does not show any reaction. When parents come back, the baby is still indifferent to their presence. -But inside they are screaming and crying like the Anxious type, this showed in the heart rate and sweat of baby.
According to the book & test, I ´m a combination of anxious & avoidant. (mostly avoidant) I have to admit that I can really se my patterns in their attachment types. As a child, I was not emotionally separable from my mother, (I cried my lungs out if she left for any reason) and I was very introverted and quiet.
In my case, I function fine in the other fields of life, but when it comes to love partners I tend to be avoidant and not wanting to put my feelings out there, and I can get very insecure and need a lot of reassurances. (altho I never show that I need reassurance).
So I have learned: in my search for love I should stay away from my own types and aim for a secure person.
But isn't that kind of logical to any type of person?
They say that the secure type best survived famine in the stone age, because of their personality skills of being loving and carrying with their fellow humans. Whilst the avoidant type didn't have backup, and therefor died easily. The anxious type was probably in the cave somewhere having a panic attack or something. (Kidding.)
In the end, it is not only the biological factors that contribute to your attachment style, but it makes you predisposed to one style. The environment and upbringing also make its contributions. The style can also change gradually during life. (most do not).
The author present very reliable facts and studies about the attachment theory, a theory that has been around for years. I wish somebody would have advised me on this subject earlier. Why don´t we learn this kind of stuff in school?
So even if this book appeals to you or not, you can always learn something about yourself, I did!
To read 50 pages of the book on Amazon, for free, klick here.