Nocturnal gay love by Vanessa – without my gay friends I wouldn't have survived Stockholm

After a gay club, I ended up in a gay afterparty where there was only one girl besides me. Paradise! There is no other place in the world for a transsexual girl to get so much unconditional love and affection from men at the same time, in such large quantities, too! Can you imagine this harem of beautiful, intellectual, influential, fabulous, friendly men that embody the masculine and feminine in so many different ways? There are few groups of men that I share so many similarities with. Talk about feeling free and loved in that space! That’s why I always say that I wouldn’t have survived Stockholm without my gay friends.

Moments like this are when I like to play with my thoughts and question how my life would have been like if I had been living as the Vanessa you know today, but with my penis and no breasts. Then, at that afterparty my possibilities of identity would have been so many! But I´m going to share two that I thought of while sitting there amongst these beautiful gay men. I would have been able to shift between defining myself as a bisexual girl trapped in a man body and ok with my manly body, or an extremely feminine bisexual boy living as a girl.

I figured that there would have been so many definitions to choose and that I loved the thought of being able to transform and play around in the spectrum of sexuality, gender expression and gender identity. Why? Because all of those did change throughout my life and now I know that they are all more or less fluid.

When I was living as a gay boy I was only attracted to masculine men, be it homosexual or heterosexual men. But today after going through this identity shift, I´m attracted to feminine men as well as masculine men. I realized it was my own homophobia that limited myself to only desire masculine men, since we live in a time where the feminine frowned upon, even in the gay world.

But there’s another important form that I didn´t mention: masculine girls. Some girls have an extremely attractive masculine air that I dismissed before, but I embrace it today. I actually experimented with a feminine bisexual girl a couple of years ago and I really enjoyed it. Now the only forms I have left to experiment with are with a masculine girl or a female to male transsexual.

But where does the border lie between an extremely feminine bisexual man passing and living as a woman versus a bisexual male to female transsexual living as a woman and doesn´t want surgery?

Some would say that it is individual; others would say that a "true" transsexual wants surgery because she hates her penis. I know that in my case it’s only a matter of definition. Because it was when I stopped focusing on differences and started to look at the similarities that I realized the most important fact of them all – everything falls in a spectrum and that identity is more and less fluid. So why limit oneself?

Big kiss and thank you to all my gay friends!

Vanessa