Nocturnal gay love by Vanessa – without my gay friends I wouldn't have survived Stockholm

After a gay club, I ended up in a gay afterparty where there was only one girl besides me. Paradise! There is no other place in the world for a transsexual girl to get so much unconditional love and affection from men at the same time, in such large quantities, too! Can you imagine this harem of beautiful, intellectual, influential, fabulous, friendly men that embody the masculine and feminine in so many different ways? There are few groups of men that I share so many similarities with. Talk about feeling free and loved in that space! That’s why I always say that I wouldn’t have survived Stockholm without my gay friends.

Moments like this are when I like to play with my thoughts and question how my life would have been like if I had been living as the Vanessa you know today, but with my penis and no breasts. Then, at that afterparty my possibilities of identity would have been so many! But I´m going to share two that I thought of while sitting there amongst these beautiful gay men. I would have been able to shift between defining myself as a bisexual girl trapped in a man body and ok with my manly body, or an extremely feminine bisexual boy living as a girl.

I figured that there would have been so many definitions to choose and that I loved the thought of being able to transform and play around in the spectrum of sexuality, gender expression and gender identity. Why? Because all of those did change throughout my life and now I know that they are all more or less fluid.

When I was living as a gay boy I was only attracted to masculine men, be it homosexual or heterosexual men. But today after going through this identity shift, I´m attracted to feminine men as well as masculine men. I realized it was my own homophobia that limited myself to only desire masculine men, since we live in a time where the feminine frowned upon, even in the gay world.

But there’s another important form that I didn´t mention: masculine girls. Some girls have an extremely attractive masculine air that I dismissed before, but I embrace it today. I actually experimented with a feminine bisexual girl a couple of years ago and I really enjoyed it. Now the only forms I have left to experiment with are with a masculine girl or a female to male transsexual.

But where does the border lie between an extremely feminine bisexual man passing and living as a woman versus a bisexual male to female transsexual living as a woman and doesn´t want surgery?

Some would say that it is individual; others would say that a "true" transsexual wants surgery because she hates her penis. I know that in my case it’s only a matter of definition. Because it was when I stopped focusing on differences and started to look at the similarities that I realized the most important fact of them all – everything falls in a spectrum and that identity is more and less fluid. So why limit oneself?

Big kiss and thank you to all my gay friends!

Vanessa

Book cover to our new children´s book! Finally!

Mickan is a fifth grader, born male, who moved to a new school to start off her new life as a girl (transgender). Although she mostly feels like a girl, she is kind of comfortable having a boy body. She lives as a girl and her life in her new school is definitely not going to be what anybody expected.

Media and literature tend to focus only on us transsexuals, the group that wants to correct our body with gender reassignment and hormone therapy. Therefore, we feel it is important to start focusing on the transgender group as a whole.

It’s an important message to children to know that there are different kind of girls and boys with different kind of body and that gender identity is in the heart, not between our legs.

On the 23rd of January 2015, an author, Malin Nilsson, wrote to me and told me that there’s not a single children´s book in Sweden where a transgender character has a main role. She wanted me to be part of the creation of Mickan. Now, three months later our book is being published by Vombat! I spoke to Malin yesterday about how fast this dream has been realized. We are so happy that this dream is coming true! Thank you, Vombat and Malin for making this a reality!

Have a great day!

You will soon be hearing more from us!

Love, Vanessa

PS: the book is being printed now as we speak! It will premiere on July 2015 in perfect timing for Stockholm Pride!

Drag kings Frasse & Mats - The Real Mens Show

If you take a good look at this poster of the drag kings Frasse & Mats, you’ll notice that there are really only two people, Frasse & Mats! I always thought that only drag queens were funny but yesterday I was worried that I would get wrinkles around my face for laughing so much!

They made a parody about the patriarch in the best way I’ve ever seen. At the same time they made me see structures that even I, who considers herself well informed about gender constructions, don´t question so much.

For example, I know that a lot of music is filled with sexist messages. But yesterday they made me think about just how sexist music is, and they never ever said it out loud! They make you see it by yourself. That is the best way to put a message forth to an audience!

The Real Mens Show is a must see if you are in Stockholm and want to see a quality show.

Now, we’re hoping that they can have their own TV-show! It would make people laugh and question structures while thinking about things they normally wouldn’t do.

🌸 It was such a giving evening, as always with lovely Saga who invited me to the show.🌸

Drag king is the new Black!  

Lots of love

💋 Vanessa

 

Poster photo: Tanne Uddén 

Boka biljetter här.

Vanessa´s confessions...

My life has changed so much since I participated in the Swedish show of Big Brother in 2011. I’ve fulfilled almost all of my dreams, published a book, started my own publishing firm and became an entrepreneur.

I learned to make my dreams come true and it is simply about two things: being persistent and not taking rejection so personally. Learning a little bit from every rejection will eventually make your dream come true. As long as there is life there are possibilities. And you know what they say – knowledge is power. Why? Because there is always a way to manifest your wishes. You just have to learn how to do it by making mistakes and working through rejection.

“I´m not lucky enough!” Take that back! Everybody starts somewhere!

Luck is a mindset and about being properly prepared for when the right opportunity shows up. Because you will get opportunities in life and if you are well prepared, you will have “luck.” Be positive, but not naive (I tend to be naive!). Make sure to be out there and well prepared and don´t let shame control you. Let it guide you and show you what you are afraid of and why. Then ask yourself: does my fear have rational reasons, or am I just mind fucking myself? Be bold! Never listen to people that say you can´t! Their mindset is probably the one that sees the glass half empty, and they’ve probably been broken down by rejection.

One of my future dreams now is manifesting very soon with our children´s book with a transgender character, hoping it will make an impact for the LGBTQ community in Sweden and the rest of the world.

Daniel Johansson, a high fashion photographer, Jenny Beckman the best makeup artist I have ever met, and Ioanna N. Olsson an amazing fashion stylist, all chose me for a beauty shoot. So it means that my modeling portfolio is getting updated and I can start looking for a modeling agency again soon!

It´s never too late! Never give up! You can figure it out!

Love, Vanessa

Job interview and foto shoot in some hours...

The magazine Kommunal is writing an interview about my experience in the elderly care field. I used to work as a pre-nurse with elderly people for 4 years. I made a senior friend that I used to visit in my spare time since he felt like a grandparent. At the time I wasn't aware that it was so giving to me because I didn´t have any grandparents present in my life. 

He knew that I was writing a book and wanted to help me out. He was a very elegant Swedish man with academic background. He was the one that taught me about Hemmingway's writing form. Gosh I miss him. He passed away while I was In the Big Brother show.

Now I'm Espresso house waiting for the time to an interview for an volunteer job with LGBTGI teenagers here in Stockholm. 

Wish me luck!

Big kiss  

Vanessa

 

 

GOD SIGNS FOR TRANS FOLKS

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This year is predicted to be the trans year in Sweden. I can see the SIGNS everywhere. It is such an amazing feeling to walk in tye city of Stockholm and to have a transgender model of color on the walls. Thank you Åhlens mall for showing the swedish people that trans is fabulous! Have a great day today!

Big kiss

Vanessa

3-D printing my Two-spirit jewellery!

A time ago I entered a collaboration with the 3-D company UNIQD. I´m so fascinated by this technology that you will be seeing more of in the future! On their new homepage you can design your own jewellery, for the moment only bracelets but in the future rings, necklace etc.

You simply create your account and then you are ready to start designing! You only do the design on a flat surface and the computer makes the 3d-simulation on a screen that is parallel to the design surface.

When you are happy with the design you decide what material you want your bracelet, gold, silver, brass or bronze.

You place your order and your own designer jewellery is yours in 3 weeks!

I decided to print a bracelet with my two-spirit logo, I haven´t received it yet but on the pictures you can see how it´s going to look like and it will be in gold! Yay! I´m so happy with the design! 

Do you want to design your own jewellery? Take a look at www.uniqd.com

It´s official: I´m Signing a new book contract for a Children´s book!

I Just spoke to the publishing editor of Vombat Publishing, they are specialised in children's books. We are signing the contract for the book that me and the writer Malin Nilsson have been working on for some months now! Today I saw the first cover illustration of the book and I really love it! 

The books age group is 9-12 and the main character is a transgender girl named Mickan. I have always dreamt of writing a children's book about a transgender girl! And a couple of months ago this amazing person and initiative to this book, Malin Nilsson, a published children's book writer, contacts me and wants to do this project with me, and now we are signing a contract! 

It has been such an amazing experience writing this book with Malin! And Vombat Publisher that believes in this project! The book will have the premiere under the summer and we will probably have book signings on Pride!

Amazing! I'm so happy today! This is going to be my second published book in less than a year!

Lots of love

Vanessa

 

Today i feel down

Today was the first night that I had regular 8-hour sleep. But still today in the morning I woke up grumpy, so I went to the gym and sauna and it feels a little bit better. But still I feel that I just want to lay on the sofa and watch television al day, just doing nothing. 

Maybe that´s what I need to do. Just rest today, it´s Sunday, the day we are meant to rest. But often when I have lazy days I feel that it only gets worse! I start eating junk food and longing for the day that the sun is going return to my life.

My biggest dream is to live in a sunny country during the winters in Sweden, because when it´s sunny I'm on top, full of energy and feel loving and caring. But the gray weather still comes as a surprise to me, shouldn't I be used to the weather shifts already? Gosh!

This week has been full of inspiration and positivities! On Wednesday I had an interview with one of the biggest evening newspapers in Sweden Kvällsposten, I also lectured to some kids in Fryshuset. Then on Thursday I went to listen to some lectures about entrepreneurship in the city of Malmö. I brought my sister to this lectures and it was so inspiring! So happy that my sister got incentive to start her own business!  Love you baby sister!

Saturday I was in the women's entrepreneur network Shenet, we had a flea market and I signed 8 books and I sold some of my old Hermes scarves and clothes that I don't want anymore. The other women entrepreneurs had amazing things in the flea market and I made some great bargains!

I packed up my stuff from the flea market and went to listen to the Vego forums lectures and I saw my favorite vegan: Cheif editor of the vegan magazine: Mattias Kristiansson, sitting there smiling like an angel! 

Probably it's a combination of little sleep, bad eating, my hormones that I have been forgetting to take and the lack of sun that makes me feel this down today.

Hope you are having a better day!

Love Vanessa

OMG! I´m Featured in VEGO Magazine

To be featured in Vego Magazine means so much for me since I´m a vegan myself. The interview made by the chief editor himself, Mattias Kristiansson, was amazing! I'm really proud to be part of this and I´m so thankful that al the vegan community is going to be able to take part of my story and book. 

In this issue of Vego Magazine, Pernilla Berg debunks the myths about Soy. Great article! She is a nutritionist and toxicologist and runs the portal: www.veganlife.se. 

Dr David Stenholtz tells about the latest discoveries on food, and on this issue he writes about the correlation between milk products and prostate cancer.

The Vego Magazine is available digitally on iTunes check it out  here.

Thank you Mattias Kristiansson for the interview, and thank you for the contribution that you are making, not just to human health and the environment, but most of al, for the unnecessary suffering av the animals.

Sincerely yours, Vanessa López

I won 2 tickets to the...

Today I had a photoshoot for the Swedish trans calendar 2016 for the LGBTQI organisation of Sweden: RFSL. It only took 1 hour and we got the picture that we wanted really fast! I woke up early and planned to put on my whole kit: clip on extensions, false eyelashes, and makeup, but I decided to not wear any makeup this time. Exciting! Not even Mascara! Nada!

Today I feel so lucky! I found out that I won tickets to the entrepreneurs platform Driva Egets day for small businesses in Malmö. Many leading entrepreneurs are gonna share their stories, talk about branding and many other inspiring seminars! Great opportunity for networking!  

Sundays are my lazy days, meaning I ´m allowed not to do anything that has to do with my work. So today I made vegan muffins. Yummy!

Thank you, Kim Nygren and Anna Finnborg for the shoot!

Sincerely yours

Vanessa López

 

Book release and inauguration of HIV test

I´m reading so many books lately. This guy Tai López  has become my youtube mentor and as soon as I´m starting to get lazy or I start to procrastinate, I start listening to his videos and I get this instant inspiration to keep on going.  He reads a book a day and is full of wisdom and perspectives on why people are stuck in the "rat race".

A book that I´m reading today is Managing oneself. Their main message is: knowing your strengths and focus on becoming expert in what you are good at rather than becoming a mediocre at what you are not so good at. 

I have learned why most people stay in the same economic class as their parents and what the rich people teach their kids about economics in the book Rich dad & poor dad. I mean wouldn't you want to know that? It´s a book that can save so many people valuable time. Remember knowledge is power! It's yours for only some dollars!

Later today I met up with Saga who was going as a special guest to the inauguration of a new HIV test that is "express", it only takes 15 minutes to get your results and you don't need to register any of your personal information. This is really a groundbreaking initiative because now even more people will get access to the tests! 

The tests will be made in RFSL:s offices around the country, but also in certain nightclubs! Look at their page for more info klick here. 

A sweet kiss to Saga and of I was to the next event, Felicia Margineanu:s book release, a young social entrepreneur that took stand against racism at the age of 17 in Sergels Torg in the city of Stockholm with an audience of 10 000 people. In her book, she gives advices about how you can manage political projects in the name of democracy and human rights. Klick here to buy her book. (Swedish language only)


An inspiring book for the young kidz!

My head is so full of information I have to process. 

God night kisses!

Vanessa






Inspiring Swedish woman: Are you becoming your own businness?

Lena Gustavfsson Author. 

Lena Gustavfsson Author. 

Yesterday I was at the signing and seminar event of a textbook that I started to read right away on the tube back home. 26 Swedish woman that have made careers shares their stories and wisdoms about leadership. More and more people are becoming autonomous, meaning that they are becoming their own business. Here is a great book if you want to get started och develope your business to the next level.   

Isn't it amazing that you can get this kind of information compressed and directly in your hand, of these Swedish Women CEO:s. 

One of the 26 woman interviewed, Elisabeth Massi Fritz says: dare to delegate and trust other people's own ability to develop. 

The table of content is full of inspiring messages:

  • follow your own compass
  • make a life plan
  • network
  • choose an organization that fits with your own values

Interesting Swedish statistics: 

  • women stand for 64% of al the university degrees
  • but only 42 % of people that works

Now that I´m learning how to speed read with Howard BergI can attain the best information without going through every single little word, in so much shorter time! 

Have a great friday, enjoy the sun!

xo Vanessa 

Assigned Male - A webcomic about a transgender girl

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You have got to check out this webcomic about Stephie, a transgender girl that questions gender norms in a comic way! Lovely!This is the kind of mesage that needs to get out there. There is nothing wrong with our bodies! 

Klick here to read more funny comics for free!

The reason that I like this comic is that they give the message to the world that there is nothing wrong with our bodies. Look at this:


Gipsys are not ashamed of themselves

I like the common personality trait of the gypsies that immigrated to Sweden lately. They are not easily ashamed of things, which is a stellar personality trait in my opinion and a good inspiration for the timid Swedish mentality. Think about how free we would be if shame wasn't governing us.

Lately, I’ve learned to identify my behavior patterns that get activated when I feel ashamed, or when I am afraid to be ashamed. I’ve learned how they can block me from doing things that I really want to do, even small insignificant things like asking for street directions to a total stranger. Not making a phone call to a bookstore to sell my book, just because of fear of getting rejected and consequently, ashamed. Or not daring to smile to that guy that I always see and like because I´m afraid. What if he doesn't smile back?

Today, on my way to the metro, there were some Brazilians playing musical instruments. The beautiful rhythm of samba went straight to my soul and I sped up to get closer to the music. I started to fantasize about being on vacation in a warm country where music on the streets is part of everyday life. In my thoughts, I was in a carnival, dancing the samba with no inhibitions in the middle of the street. One day, I’d dare to do something like that for sure, I said to myself.

When I arrived at the samba scene, I realized that I wasn't the only one wishing to dance. Some girls were already living out my dreams. They were dancing on the street as if it were a live Brazilian carnival! The girls weren’t dancing the samba though; they were dancing their own traditional dance to the music without a thought to anything besides the moment of joy. They waved around their long skirts and snapped their fingers in front of the audience of timid Swedes that didn't move one bit.

From afar, another girl dressed in a similar outfit hurried towards her group of friends, snapping her fingers while she trying to sell her Sophia Z-4515 magazine to people she passed by. Not a single opportunity did she miss to try to make a sale. What a girl, I thought!

I went home so inspired by these gypsy women for their spontaneous street performance. Their life situation has made them incredibly courageous and street intelligent, never ever letting an opportunity pass by them because of shame. My god, Swedish people are so timid and boring! I thought to myself and soon after I realized what side of the separated group I was standing on myself.

The gypsy girls were at that moment freer than any of us standing behind the timid border. I realized how hypocritical and judgmental I was being because to tell you the truth, I really just wanted to stand there with the gypsy woman and just rave to the samba music and feel at least for a moment, that I was a free soul.

Enjoy the sun today Swedish people!

Love Vanessa

INTERNATIONAL WOMENS DAY

Today we celebrate International Women’s Day at Fryshuset in Stockholm. Many different national and international organizations were present today focusing on marginalized women all over the world (excluding transgender women, unfortunately!). There were seminars and a lot of networking with so many amazing people!

I met with many strong individuals today. One of them is Arghavan Agida, who is a writer, singer and woman rights activist. Her book, ZAN, means a woman in Farsi. It is an anthology of 10 women living in Iran, a country where freedom of speech is regulated and suppressed by their religious regime. Arghavana was also a political refugee as a child and in her book you can also read about her struggle to get to Sweden, a country that accepted her and her family with open arms. But the list of accomplishments doesn't stop there for this amazing woman! She is also a producer and is currently working on a new secret project! I can't wait! I´m currently reading her book; it gives me shivers all over my body and I wanted to cry so many times!

Such a fulfilling and inspiring day! The sun shined and everybody seemed so happy (remember it's winter in Sweden – dark and little sunlight)! I made my own GENDERFLUID pin that the IOGT-NTO organization had on their stand. One day maybe we will see an organization working for the rights of transgender women! Next year maybe!

Big kiss from an inspired girl!

Vanessa




Attachment styles- witch one are you?

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I´m currently reading a self-help book about Love that has given me more self-knowledge than any other book I have read this far. If you want to find love and/or want to improve your relationship, this book will help you map out the type that you are. According to the theory of attachment, evolution made people with different disposition to become one or a combination of the types. More than 50 % of the population falls into the category of secure. 20 % is anxious, 25 % is avoidant. And the rest is a combination. The book also teaches you how to identify the different types of attachment styles so you can avoid getting involved with the type you are not biologically and emotionally compatible too. Who doesn't want that?

Anxious -  love to be close, great capacity for intimacy. Often fear that your partner does not wish to be close. Very sensitive to  partners moods or actions. Needs a lot of reassurances.
Secure - Balanced, warm and loving, not afraid to show feelings or get intimate, or take physical contact. Efficiently communicate feelings and emotions. Attentive to partner. 
Avoidant- Independence & self-sufficiency is prioritised over intimate relationships. Emotionally distant, does not open up too partner. Often considered non-empathic by partners.
I later found out that this attachment systems first was made to identify infant attachment types:

Anxious - When parents leave the room, baby cries until mother/parents come back.
Secure - Keeps on playing in the room  even though he/she knows that parents are not there and smiles when parents come back and engages lovingly.
Avoidant- Notices when parents leave the room but keeps silence and does not show any reaction. When parents come back, the baby is still indifferent to their presence. -But inside they are screaming and crying like the Anxious type, this showed in the heart rate and sweat of baby.   
According to the book & test, I ´m a combination of anxious & avoidant. (mostly avoidant) I have to admit that I can really se my patterns in their attachment types. As a child, I was not emotionally separable from my mother, (I cried my lungs out if she left for any reason) and I was very introverted and quiet.  

In my case, I function fine in the other fields of life, but when it comes to love partners I tend to be avoidant and not wanting to put my feelings out there, and I can get very insecure and need a lot of reassurances. (altho I never show that I need reassurance).  

So I have learned: in my search for love I should stay away from my own types and aim for a secure person. 

But isn't that kind of logical to any type of person? 

They say that the secure type best survived famine in the stone age, because of their personality skills of being loving and carrying with their fellow humans. Whilst the avoidant type didn't have backup, and therefor died easily. The anxious type was probably in the cave somewhere having a panic attack or something. (Kidding.)

In the end, it is not only the biological factors that contribute to your attachment style, but it makes you predisposed to one style. The environment and upbringing also make its contributions. The style can also change gradually during life. (most do not).

The author present very reliable facts and studies about the attachment theory, a theory that has been around for years. I wish somebody would have advised me on this subject earlier. Why don´t we learn this kind of stuff in school?  

So even if this book appeals to you or not, you can always learn something  about yourself, I did! 

To read 50 pages of the book on Amazon, for free, klick here.

Love, Vanessa.

Yesterdays premiere

HATA SPORT presents a documentary film about Saga Becker

HATA SPORT presents a documentary film about Saga Becker

Transparent and original. Saga is Swedens Transgender Pride after she won the prestigious guldbagge award (like winning an Emmy award) for best female of the year in the movie Something Must Break. Saga is the first MTF transgender to ever be given an Bagge award in Sweden for best female of the year. Amazing for the transgender community in Sweden!

We had the luck to be invited to the premiere of Saga Beckers documentary movie made by HATA SPORT. The documentary is focused on Sagas Becker as a person and not as an object. You will se more of Saga Becker in the near future! She told me she had so many secret projects going on. Looking forward! Great job Vera Granlöf & Frida Gustavsson.

Have a beautiful Saturday babes!

Kisses Vanessa.